Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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