so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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