she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize