Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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