what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
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