I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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