Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
