So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Green mimosas i think yes
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
