I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
