Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
