How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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