He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize