remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
