Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
