i will never coherently bang her
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
