If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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