You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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