I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
