I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
