it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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