Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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