Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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