I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
