some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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