This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize