How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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