Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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