He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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