They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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