I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
