using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
