So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
