I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
