I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize