She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
