Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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