My cat gives me a boner
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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