I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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