Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
her vagine was all disorganized.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
