Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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