You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
