I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
