I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
