I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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