I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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