College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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