I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
