Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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