I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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