I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
