Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
