she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
