for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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