So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
