it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize