saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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