Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
