it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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