pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
