I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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