I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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