Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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