Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize