you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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