I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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