and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
pop tarts are not kleenex
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Randomize
