even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
