i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
