So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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