Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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