i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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